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Just think of some of the things youve done in your own life, just because you had an hour to kill, the cable was out or your girlfriend had a headache and no, Im not being insensitive to the potential plight of female readers but I mean, lets face it, no guy outside of a trauma ward ever has that bad a headache. The things we do for momentary gratification, in the name of errant curiosity, especially we computer intensive types. Think of the one you dont talk about. The one you wouldnt whisper to Old Man Murray over stiff drinks. The one that haunts you. So one day, I loaded this educational game onto my hard drive. There, I said it. My name is Chris Hudak, and I gulp have shudder played games of educational value. I was young and confused It said Quake, and the Fun with Seismology subtitle had a goddamn NOT FOR RESALE sticker slapped over it I feel so dirty Now I have to wait, what, seven years for every last cell in my body to cycle outDoesnt the Special Office of the Catholic Church have some kind of cleansing rite for this sort of thing, like the one they reserve for Cthulhoid encounters Im just telling it like it is. Edutainment, as a standing rule, blows dead commie donkeys but it doesnt have to be that way. Some game developers are s l o w l y getting hip to this offal tinged hole in our collective consciousness, and the answers are surfacing organically, the same way a natural disaster or a major war or epidemic seems to break out whenever the herd at large needs some thinning. Oh, theres resistance. Whenever an actually decent, honest to goodness game with some educational merit attempts to rear its fetal head, BLING Remember a certain space colonization game complete with actual RTS style gameplay, real Newtonian physics, authentic capcom chatter and online astronomical encyclopedia a few years agoNo, you dont And what about Maxis Sim Mars As soon as I learned just how cozily the developers would have been working with actual NASA data for an authentic colonization experience, I knew that one was doomed. Meanwhile, the Barbie Math Activity Isolation Chamber and its ilk infect our shelves. Reasonably hip kids may want to improve their knowledge of state capitals or basic chemistry, but they probably wouldnt want to do it with Reader Rabbit if Duke Nukem or Lara Croft were waiting in the wings. No matter the resistance is getting through, in short little moon hops. I recently spent a pleasant weekend with a Girl Who Games see last months Game Theory for the proof of such creatures existence when The Truth dawned on me. She brought along enough gaming hardware to justify our hotels Guest Services sending us a second large screen TV to accommodate the technocopia of various consoles strewn about the place in a few hours, the room was wired enough to launch a decent game fan pub right there on the 2. In a well meaning effort to test whether vodka improved all game experiences as much as it does Worms Armageddon, I was deep into a Typing of the Dead grudge match before I nearly dumped the keyboard and recoiled from the screen in a brand of horror the game designers probably did not intend at all Holy crap, Im improving my typing skills This is an EDUCATIONAL GAME Ewwww If youve not had the pleasure, Typing of the Dead is a re work of the gun shooter House of the Dead instead of firing a gun to re kill the un dead, you must rapidly and accurately type the words that appear on their rotting bodies as they come to tear you a few new orifices. You just know that Typing of the Dead is giving some parents group activist soccer mom out there a raging vicious cycle philosophical migraine Its so bloody and violent but little Janets up to 8. Janet can qualify for an Adia Temps screening test but head goo begins to gibberAnd by Yog, theyve really hit on something. It augurs the end of the crapucational software world. And I feel fine. Here are a few ideas I just thought Id throw out there. Ill skip the obvious ones like flight simulators, which have already attained true educational game status heck, some of em allow you to log virtual air time applicable to your pilots license dont you feel better now Feel free to be inspired, developers, but kindly pay intellectual royalties where applicable, or my faith in the honor system will buckle. Also, Ill firebomb your offices. And believe me, Ill know where the best sellers came from SIM PUBERTY Feed, influence and sculpt a preteen within virtual schoolrooms, malls and keggers. Minigames include nutritional balancing acts, a Zit Zapper arcade game, questionnaires on depression and a fashion plate module featuring all black clothing. DUKE NUKEM TEACHES ANATOMY Dead serious anatomical Learn. Ware, with the optional Apply Exit Wound function and When Boys Sit Down Wrong randomizer. Oooh thats gotta hurtMANGA MASTER Language learning software packaged within the framework of a free roaming adventure game. In this Japanese edition, players learn informal as well as polite levels of Japanese from entertaining comics in motion, and are then let loose on the streets to interact with strangers at different levels of politeness. Just getting to the right place on the subway is a module in itself. Learn valuable lessons A saying hello to your boss with the wrong politeness level can be much like hocking a loogie at him. B What should you do when those Japanese police who arent supposed to have guns suddenly point them at you C Beware of pick up lines The Japanese word for pretty is disastrously close to the word for scary looking. These are the kinds of things the savvy traveler needs to knowThese are the musings that kept me out of the priesthood. Learn and enjoy Though please, not in that order.